Story I wrote! Any opinions??? Help!!?

You see, I wrote this story and I need your commentary on it. Hope you like it!





I was walking to my room, when I thought I spotted something shiny in my sister, Bambi's room. I walked in, climbed on the chair (it took me a while, cuz that stupid, green, frilly chair's too tall to reach.)


Anyways, I saw this big bottle with curly letters and a picture of a girl's hair on the front. And since I'm very, very smart for my age, I was able to read exactly what it said; It said, "Hair Care Hair Spray". It was some kind of dumb hair product. But then, my eyes caught the lower part of the bottle. Right there, in big letters, it says "MIGHTY HOLD." I smiled to myself. Imagine the possibilities with this! I pictured spraying my family with that stuff and they would turn so stiff, they would fall over like boards! Ha! Imagine what a beautiful hoot that would be!


I reached over to grab the hair spray, until Bambi sped in the room and snatched it off the dresser before I could. I turned to look at her and she stood there spraying her long, brown hair with that snobby look on her face.


I thought about what to do. I knew Bambi wasn't going to hand off that spray to me easily; so I decided to ask nicely.


"Bambi?" I asked politely. "May I please use your 'Hair Care Hair Spray MIGHTY HOLD?"


"No." Bambi said greedily.


"Please?" I still intended to ask nicely. "Please with a cherry on top?-"


"No!" Bambi yelled at me.


My polite grin turned into gritting teeth. I was mad. How dare she tell me no?! I asked her politely and she refused!


"Besides, " that Bambi dared to continue. "This spray's only for mature people."


Mom called from the living room, "Bambi! Seaweed Sockpuppet is on!"


"Oh my gosh, I gotta watch it!" Bambi squealed. She was so excited, she dropped the spray and darted out of the room.


Yeah...pretty mature for a twelve-year-old to still like watching Seaweed the Sockpuppet. After she left, I picked up the spray, thought for a while, then smiled cleverly at the bottle. It was time for payback.


Yesterday, my grandma, Darla from my daddy's side had sent me a Science Kit, where you could create your own potions and make your own experiments.


I quickly ran out of the room and into the dining room. My family was sitting in the living room watching Seaweed Sockpuppet. Bambi's eyes were glued to the TV, so she didn't see me slip outside the backdoor with the hair spray.


I ran behind the big tree we have in the yard and found my science kit. I leaned against the tree and looked at the back of the box and it said; "Just Add Water".


Just add water? With what?


Then, a butterfly landed on my nose, then flew away next to the tree. I turned around and also found a ladybug and a caterpillar crawling on the trunk.


This gave me an idea. What if I made some sort of bug juice, poured it into the bottle and turned Bambi into a bug! That would be classic! And perfect payback.


I looked around to make sure anyone was looking. I'm not allowed to use my powers alone anymore.


I focused on the bugs and snapped my fingers. The three bugs trembled a little, then a ray of bright light surrounded them. They turned into liquid and I quickly opened the bottle to collect the juice. I closed it.


"Now to test it." I said to myself. I looked around the yard and spotted Rufus taking a nap next to the screen door.


I smiled and called, "Oh, Rufus!"


The mangy and furry mutt turned his lazy head toward me with annoyance in his eyes for waking him up.


I gestured my finger for him to come.


He sat up, yawned and stretched himself from both sides, dramatically. After he finished, he slowly walked up to me.


I held the bottle right in front of his nose and said, "Try this."


The picky dog pulled back his neck, sniffed it, then stuck out his tongue in disgust. He turned and held his head and tail up high. But before he walked away, I sprayed the stuff at him at the back of the head. He immediatly turned to look at me and shook the liquid off him. Little did he know, after he completely dried himself off, he was a giant caterpillar!


My eyes grew in shock as I drew back with a big smile on my face. "Tight!" I thought. I was surprised and amazed at the same time!


That mindless dog wasn't even aware that he had changed form. Rufus glared at me, rolled his eyes and walked away to his water bowl. He peered in and saw a strange shape in the water of his reflection. He stared confusingly at the water, then slowly lifted his head to see his clear reflection in the backdoor.


He cried out of fear and immediatly dashed behind me, afraid of his own reflection.


"Wow" I said, still in awe looking at the bottle. "It works!"


Rufus was still whimpering cowardly behind me, even too afraid to put his legs over his eyes, which were once his paws.


"I calmed myself from laughing and sighed happily, looking at the bottle. Imagine how funny this would be with Bambi! Especially since she has no reflection, how is she going to know!


I collected my science kit and the juice and heading inside. But since I had so many things in my hands and nobody bothered to help me, I had to manage opening that dumb door myself.


With the juice still in my hand, I pushed the glass sliding door open to let myself in. My science kit box was in my other hand, threatening to fall. It wobbled, then finally fell to the ground.


"Oops." I muttered as I placed the bug juice bottle on the kitchen counter next to me and bent down to pick up the box. Little did I know, I had done a big mistake.


My mommy was stirring soup, and gossiping on the phone about Daddy to my Aunt Terry. But I didn't realize, until I turned around to collect the bottle, that Mommy had taken it off the counter and was now pouring it into the soup!


I held my hands to my mouth and gasped with wide eyes. If my mommy found out about this, I was going to be in so much trouble. And to make matters worse, Mommy dipped a big spoon in the pot and sipped some of the soup! And she turned into a giant, fiery red ant! And she didn't know it!


Now, I was really in shock as my eyes grew wider. Now, I would really get it. Well, it was too late to hide that. I wasn't going to tell my mommy that she was an ant. The only solution I could do, was to definately get that bottle, hide and hope that Mommy maybe, by chance, will not discover it's actually me this time.


I sneaked over next to my mommy to get the bottle which was sitting next to the stove, but before I could even get to it, more bad luck came my way (as it always does) and my mommy picked up the bottle and placed it on the highest shelf of the food cabinet.


After following all this, I stared up hopelessly at that bottle way high away from my reach. Perfect. Knowing the fact that I could barely reach the short chair that Bambi had in her room, there was no way I was going to get to that bottle-


"Scuse me, sweetie," my mommy crossed me, to get to the other side of the kitchen.


Unless...I climb. I looked up at the tall cabinet and found that it was my only choice. Before I started, I looked back at my mommy to see if she was paying attention. Hopefully she wasn't; she had her back towards me and she was cutting vegetables and still gossiping on the phone.


After checking, I begin to quickly and quietly climb the cabinet shelves to get to my destiny. As I was high up, since I was terrified of heights and never looked down, only looked up to the bottle, I didn't turn around, but kept my ears open, making sure that my mommy's footsteps were not heard anywhere around me. I heard her walk a few times, but I only faithfully assumed that she was cutting the vegetables and walking over to the stove to drop the vegetables in while still talking on the phone, since she never said anything to me.


As I got higher, I was finally able to see the bottle in reach! I stretched my arm over to grab it, but realized that my arm was shorter than I thought. After straining so hard, I managed to still try to grab on to it. Finally, I suceeded. I grabbed the bottle and held them with both hands. Unfortunately, bad luck occured after this. It always does for me.


I felt myself feeling unbalanced over the shelf I was standing around. I was so panicked, I kept waving my arms around instead of grabbing on to the shelf in front of me. But before I could even think to do that, I was already falling off the shelf and to the floor and cans crashed down with me.


I knew Mommy had heard me. She turned around and gasped at me.


I could barely say anything to her. I lifted my head from the pile of cans and held my head. "Oh..." is all I muttered, trying to gain conciousness.


"Katherine!" she shouted angrily.


My name said angrily, made me cringe and I immediately grabbed the bug juice from out of the pile of cans and held it close to my chest with a scared look on my face.


"What on earth are you doing?!" Mommy asked. I knew I was going to get it. But then, Mommy stopped shouting at me for a second, and turned to her phone.


"Whadeya mean I am pretty hasty?!" Mommy said with a glare on her face.


Perfect! She was now distracted by Aunt Terry's arguements! Now it was my chance to escape. I stumbled to my feet and ran out the kitchen before Mommy could catch me.


I ran as fast as I could down the hall still with the juice in my hand. I looked back over my shoulder to see if Mommy had seen me, but because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, I crashed into someone and fell. The bottle had fallen out of my hand and into the floor.


I sat up from lying down on the ground and looked up to realize it was my daddy who I had crashed into. My daddy stood there, looking down at me, holding his camera in his hands, which was connected to a black strap around his neck.


He glanced over to the bottle on the floor and he gasped in excitement with twinkling eyes. We all knew that when my daddy gasped in excitement with twinkling eyes, it meant trouble.


"Thanks, Sweetie!" my daddy said, snatching the bug juice off the ground.


"Wait, Daddy!" I tried to stop him. But of course, he didn't listen to me. He never listens to anyone.


"I was looking all over for this camera polisher!"


"Daddy, no!" But it was already too late. My daddy had already poured that stuff onto a cloth he fished from his pocket and was now polishing his camera with the bug juice.


"There we are." Daddy said, when he was done polishing and he flinged the cloth off the camera and on my head. Although, he did not notice yet, I stood there staring, as if I had just seen an amazing magic trick, with my mouth open at what he now had in his hands.


It wasn't until he lifted it up to his face and smiled as he said, "Good as new."


That camera, was no longer a camera, but a giant black widow. The spider hissed into my daddy's face, and my daddy screamed out of fright. My daddy flung that thing off him and ran down the hall and into the kitchen screaming as loud as he could. I ran after him to see if he would tell Mommy and if I would get in trouble. I peeked around the corner to see what would happen. My mommy turned from her cooking to see my daddy running towards her. "Dan!" my mommy worriedly tried to communicate through his yelling voice. "What's the matter."


My daddy turned his head to now see that my mommy was an ant. He screamed louder, then he fainted on the floor.


"Dan!" My mommy said, kneeling over to him.


I stared in disbelief. I just had to be dreaming. I cannot believe I still did not get caught for what I did! I turned my back to them with a worried look on my face. Then, I started to smile, and then I started chuckling! I couldn't help but think that all this was just funny and suspenseful at the same time.


"Katherine!" I heard a voice calling me. After hearing this voice, I immediatetly stopped laughing. I glanced over my shoulder to show my mommy that I was paying attention, but did not give her direct eye contact.


"What's so funny?" My mommy raised an eyebrow. This meant she was suspicious.


I hid the bottle behind my back and slightly slided over towards the hallway. "Um..."I stuttered with a nervous smile on my face. "Nothing." I said quickly, then darted down the hall.


That was it. I thought to myself as I ran. No more fooling around. Just pull the prank that you're trying to pull and get it over with. It was not worth moping around and getting yourself in near trouble.


After passing my brother, Tommy's room, I heard my name being called. And I was relieved to find it wasn't the disciplinary call of my name.


"Katherine!" I heard. I stopped running and backed up to look in Tommy's room. That pathetic boy was all trapped and wrapped up in a giant web in which that black widow had created, as prey.


"Help!" Tommy cried like a baby.


I gave him a look of empathy, as though I was going to help him. I held the bottle in front of me and sprayed the juice at him.


Tommy began coughing at the smoke the potion was making. After the smoke cleared off, he looked down at himself and then realized he was still trapped as he was before, but this time, he was a fly.


He glared at me and angrily shouted, "Katherine!"


"Hey," I chuckled. "You said to help." and I took off.


"HELP ME!" I heard Tommy shout back at me. "NOT THE SPIDER!!"


I chuckled again. It was classic.


As I reached Bambi's room, I creeped in to put the bottle, disguised as her hair spray, on her dresser.


"Now where is that darn curler..." I suddenly heard a voice. I gasped and hid the bottle behind my back to see Bambi, with her face in the closet, fumbling all her books to find that iron.


I slowly tippy-toed in front of her dresser and strained, trying to reach over her seat just to place the bug juice at the edge. But of course, knowing how incredibly short my arm was, I couldn't reach. The only way I would be able to set in on top of the dresser is if I was to climb that stupid chair and I simply did not have time for that.


I waved the bottle around, trying to at least stand it up on the dresser.


"Oh, here it is!" Bambi suddenly spoke again. I gasped looking back at her to see if she had seen me yet. I was still struggling to stand the bottle up and had finally done it by pressing my hand over the top. However, I did not realize what I had did until I looked back at the bottle and saw that I had turned my big pigtails into butterfly wings! Because I had pressed down on the trigger trying to stand it up! I gasped louder. I was frightened what to do next. Luckily, I was able to think quick before Bambi turned around and I flew up to the ceiling with my butterfuly wings and pressed my back against it, so she would find me. The lucky thing was, was that because I was able to fly, I had placed the bottle perfectly and quickly how it was before, instead of leaving it suspiciously sitting at the edge.


I stared down from the ceiling at Bambi. I was relieved that I was able to still get this far to pulling my prank.


Bambi sat on her chair and started to curl her hair. As dumb as she is, she actually made a mistake of looking in the mirror, even though she has no reflection. She sighed, and put the curler down and reached for the spray.


Suspense built up in me and she sprayed alot of that stuff in her hair. I stared, trying to pay attention, but the fog of the potion was to strong and clouded my view. All I could hear was Bambi coughing. I held my breath, trying not to cough myself.


At first, it was hard to see a clear view of Bambi, but pretty soon, the fog cleared and I was now able to see that she had changed into a giant ladybug!


And the best part was, she didn't know it!


Wow, did I want to laugh so hard, but I forced myself to hold it in, and I manage a huge grin instead.


"That's pretty strong stuff," dumb Bambi said, actually believing that it was the spray that was creating so much of this fog. She didn't even realize she was a ladybug, but then again, she has no reflection!


Bambi foolishly, took one of her antennas, actually believing it was a strand of hair, but to make matters funnier, she actually held the curling iron to her antenna and burned herself. She screamed out of pain, and looked at her strand of hair to finally realize it was an antenna. "Ah!" She screamed out of shock.


I couldn't help myself. I exploded into laughter. Bambi looked up at me. "Katherine!" she said angrily, realizing that I had caused all this.


It was definately too late to hide it now, but I didn't care. I was laughing so hard, I floated off the ceiling onto the floor with tears in my eyes, and I could feel my pink face becoming even pinker.


After laughing so much , I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, "That was classic!" I said with a smile. But then, I realized I was being cornered by my whole family. They all stood above me and had glares on their faces. My daddy was holding the now, dead black widow which was taking place of the camera it once was. My mommy stood there, with all six hands on her hips as a red ant. Tommy was breathing hard with angry blue-green eyes staring at me, all covered in ripped up spider web, with his fists to his sides. And Bambi was standing in front of all of them, with her hair spray bottle in her hand.


I was scared of what they were all going to do to me, but I still tried to keep my cool.


"Come on guys," I stumbled with a nervous smile on my face. "It was just a joke. Can't you take a joke?"


Bambi made a slight squirting noise with the spray as a threat to me.


That afternoon, after turning themselves back to normal, my cruel, cruel family turned me into a full giant butterfly and set me as a display in the front yard.


"Ten dollars!" Bambi had called out. "Ten dollars to take a picture with the giant butterfly."


My daddy was insanely clicking his camera all over the place and stupid, snot-nosed kids were actually in line to take a picture with me.


I sat on a chair and crossed my arms, with my "I hate you" eyes.


Mommy said this was my punishment, but this had to be the meanest, yet. I felt like a circus freak. Worse. I felt like Santa Claus, and I don't like that fat, old fraud!


Always invading into your house every Christmas just to drop a lump of coal into your stocking, while he drops presents into other kids' stockings. To me, that's not something to be excited about.


A dorky, little, chubby kid was like the first costumer and shoved ten dollars into the jar. He sat with me to take a picture and flashed a buck-tooth smile. But not me. I just contiuned to sit there glaring with my arms crossed.


My daddy was ready to take a picture, but told us to say "cheese" before he did. "Cheese!" that stupid kid yelled in my ear. I definately wasn't smiling. I may have said cheese, but I showed my gritted, angry teeth instead of grin. Besides, I never grin, unless I'm plotting a prank or revenge on someone.


After my daddy took the picture, he saw that I wasn't happy and said, "Cheer up, Katherine." He pointed to the next kid in line putting ten dollars into the jar. "Look how much money you're making!"


After hearing that, I became a little perkier and managed a small smile. "Yeah," I said taking the jar off the counter. "I guess I am making a lot of money."


Bambi snatched the jar out of my hands and placed it back on the counter. "Actually," she said smirking with her nose in the air, "I think you mean, I'm making a lot of money." she snickered and said, "It was my idea."


I glared at that stingy girl and stood up on the chair, "Whadeya mean, it was your idea? The money goes to me!" I pulled the jar closer to me.


"Actually, no." Bambi raised her voice. She pulled the jar away from me. "The money goes to me."


"No me!" I corrected.


"Me!" she argued back.


"I'm the main attraction!" i pointed out. "So it's my money!"


"Yeah, but I run this business!" Bambi said. "So it's mine!"


After arguing with each other, we looked down at the jar and suddenly, there was no money anymore!


"Hey," Bambi said curiously. "Where'd the money go."


We turned around at Tommy who was the only one who was sitting near us behind the counter. Tommy pointed the second customer behind us and said, "He took it!"


"What, me?" the kid pretended to play dumb. Both me and Bambi filled up with rage and we chased that kid down the street all the way to his house.





The End.

Story I wrote! Any opinions??? Help!!?
nice
Reply:I think this story is really good. Email me some times Report It

Reply:Great Story 10/10 plus a star :)





Btw how did you fit that all in I though it was a 1000 character max on Yahoo Answers?
Reply:It's too short. Add some more action.
Reply:Sorry its too long for me and fracley way to long
Reply:Wow, I can't believe I just sat there and read that. It was amazing though! I loved it, it was very cute. Your a good writer sweetie, I love it. Keep up the good work darling.



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